apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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