Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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