Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
