Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Randomize
