6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize