Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I need to align my fucking chakras
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
