Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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