so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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