The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Randomize
