im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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