I met the friendliest cop last night
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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