I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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