You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
My ass is underappreciated
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
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