Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
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