I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
