Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
