Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
My balls are so social today.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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