we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
