A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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