the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
