She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
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