I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
