does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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