I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
