Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
