I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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