Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
