The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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