How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Randomize
