No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
