My hair reeks of homosexuality.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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