He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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