Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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