Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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