don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize