My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
