So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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