why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
