Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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