You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
