mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize