So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
