I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
