Your mouth is God's brothel.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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