He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
He kissed a someone with a penis
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
