I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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