i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
