you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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