pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
