you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Randomize
