i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
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