Porn is love you can see.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
