they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
