If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
